Bavrok the Caveman, dressed in a black suit, steps up to the microphone on stage. The crowd cheers, and high above the Total Immortal smirks beneath his hood. "Christmas Eve/Saravejo" by Tran Siberian Orchestra comes to an end. Bavrok clears his throat, then speaks.
"Hello. Me Bavrok. You might know Bavrok from slaughtering or genocide such as 'The Spickledums' or 'Justin Bieber Fan Club'. Hehe. Bavrok like make them squeal like goat. Their blood run like big river from mounta- What? Oh. Bavrok sorry. Like Bavrok saying, you might know me from killing stuff. Because Bavrok do this, Bavrok host this year Total Christmas Special.
"First, Bavrok give out award to peoples. Award for most blood spilt goes to- surprise- BAVROK! BAVROK IS BEST! BAVROK SMASH! HAHAHAhahahaha... *ahem* Award for most shiniest weapon go to Cal. Bavrok think Adminblade a little too gaudy, but Bavrok let it pass. Award for sexiest wings go to the Total Immortal. This true, his wings very sexy. No homo. Bavrok like girls. Hmm... There lots more awards, but Bavrok too lazy. On to celebrity interviews!"
Enter: Tom Cruise. Tom smiles and waves, and does a finger-pistol shot at Bavrok with a short "HA!". Bavrok speaks again.
"Tom Cruise! Bavrok like Top Gun. Top Gun Bavrok's favorite no-fighting movie."
Tom Cruise chuckles and looks Bavrok straight in the eye. "Ha! Yeah! Top Gun! Ha! I'm Tom Cruise! Bahaha!"
Bavrok raises an eyebrow, then proceeds to throw Tom Cruise over Mount Fury. "Bavrok sorry. Bavrok not know Tom Cruise crazy. Next guests are The Total Immortal and The Secret Ninja!"
The crowd goes wild. Grapefruits are held aloft by thousands. Cheers turn to a roar of glee as The Secret Ninja appears from the shadows on-stage. The crowd grows louder still as The Total Immortal descends from above. The Secret Ninja speaks, addressing the audience.
"WHAT UP BITCHES!" He throws his arms up. "MAKE SOME NOISE!" The crowd nearly turns to a riot, but a look from the Total Immortal silences them. The Commander Supreme speaks to the crowd as well.
"I need a volunteer! A volunteer who does not fear death and is willing to prove it!"
A man comes forward. He is obviously afraid.
"Good! So you don't fear death?! Let's see!" The Total Immortal decapitates the man, Trollkicker flashing brilliantly. "Lightweight. The fear on him smelled like SHIT."
Bavrok laughs, and inquires the purpose of killing the man.
"I have no clue. I'm just bored. HEY! Audience want to hear the tale of the FIRST CHRISTMAS?! Aight, here it goes...
"T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the land, sheep were grazing for some reason, shepherds were herding, and wise men were off being wise. I was there, of course. All of a sudden I sees me a big-ass star over Bethlehem, so I figure I better investigate. There I find a baby being born in a barn. I, of course, realized how unsanitary this is, so I cast a spell of disinfectant over the place. The kid is born, and I notice he has all sorts of power. Turns out he's the son of Gawd and his name is Jeebus.
"Out of NOWHERE there are these demon dudes popping up, so I'm like 'The FUCK do you want with this kid?' and take em out . Of course Beelzeboss comes up and challenges my might. I HAVE to accept. I was bound by honor and pride. The thing is, Beelzeboss is actually pretty strong, so he had half a chance of beating me. Long story short, I took a tree, charged it with ionic energy, and beat him with it. That's why we have Christmas trees."
The crowd is silent. They obviously see no point to the story.
"Of course, I had to banish the kid and his dad from this universe in order to prevent the rebirth of Beelzeboss... I still feel bad about that. Hey, where'd Ninja go? Oh well"
Sleigh bells are heard in the distance, then a jolly "HO HO HO!" The Total Immortal bounces with glee.
"SANTAAAA! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!"
The Total Immortal flies high into the night sky, and pulls down Saint Nick and his reindeer.
"Now, Total, what did I tell you about slowing me on Christmas Eve? Do you want to be on the Naughty List?"
"No, Santa... I'm sorry. Say hi to all your fans !"
"Hello fans! Merry Christmas!"
Santa flies away.
"Well, Bavrok, its just you and me now, huh? ...Bavrok. GODDAMMIT!"
Bavrok had fallen asleep.
"Well fuck this. I'm going to sleep. All you clowns in the crowd go home and sleep. Its good for your health."
And so it ends. What, were you expecting something awesomer? TOO BAD! I wrote what came to mind, with one line of input from Ninja. Merry Christmas you guys <3